Alone

Today I feel very alone - the friend I often have breakfast with on Friday mornings is not available this morning and it seems like a long time since I’ve seen her. So I came home after bus route. I have plenty to do so that’s not the issue. Still grieving the loss of my closest friend in this area - stuff happened several months ago and our relationship will never be the same. It may not have been a “healthy” relationship but it was still one I could depend on to be a certain way - and she was someone I could call most anytime and chat about stuff - or listen to her stuff at least. Either way…I’m feeling alone.

Friends have been difficult for me - I’ve not ever had a “best friend” overall. I have “best friends” in whatever location I’m in at that time. As I’ve gotten older I’ve called them “closest friend” instead of best friend simply because best friend didn’t seem to fit. Maybe it’s semantics. But since the loss of that friendship I no longer have a “closest friend” - am working to build others but don’t see any getting that close. There is just no common bonds like what we had.

Some of my struggle with this is that I learned at a very very early age to stand alone - I left for boarding school in the middle of 2nd grade. I came in different from the beginning - had a cast and broken elbow complete with pins. Then coming in in the middle of the year…I developed early physically which resulted in the other girls in the dorm making fun of me. That wasn’t helped by the fact I still had to bathe with the girls who were not developed. Along with the physical development came an interest in boys who were definitely NOT interested in a girl as young as I was. At the age I was girls and boys still saw each other as having cooties. Of course, my crushes at the time were on boys older than me. On top of all that - I definitely hadn’t grown into my height - was all tangled limbs. All of that meant I didn’t fit in then - and I still struggle to find a place where I “fit”.

I learned to stand alone at my second boarding school in a new country as well - this time due to bad knees and much time spend on crutches. For a time I asked for help carrying glasses of water, etc. But a roommate - thankfully don’t remember who - told me to do it myself and from that point on I attempted to do it myself. I remember crutching down the dorm hallways with a mug of water (hot? probably at times) trying not to spill it. I remember standing at the end of the food line in the dining hall hoping desperately someone would offer to carry my tray for me as I couldn’t ask for the help. And I was still different - I had crushes on boys older than myself - they never looked twice at me and I wouldn’t have had a clue what to do if they had.

That ability to stand on my own served me well with Mike’s cancer - the hours spend alone sitting in the hospital with him - trying ot get him to do his therapy, waiting in ER rooms, waiting in hospital rooms. Standing up to the nurses and doctors for his medication - you can’t decrease that like that - you will cause him to have more seizures! IF you are going to decrease that medication it HAS to be done slowly. Why are you giving him that? What does it do? This one is missing. That dose is too low. (All this was done without any medical training - it was just my experiences living with him)

Sept 11, 2001 he was in hospital - in rehab. I drove bus that morning and headed to the hospital afterwards. He refused to do any rehab that day - took the attacks on the US personally because they used “his” planes - he worked for American Airlines. The tv was on and I spent the day in his room trying to get him to do therapy and eat. His depression at that point only got worse. After he died in March 2003 I was “alone” again - thrust fully into the world of single parenting. Having the boys was a blessing - forced me to get up and keep going- forced me to stay strong. and I certainly didn’t do it alone - physically I was but I always had my underlying faith in God. But I also carried unexpressed emotions that I still can’t name. I struggled for years with attending church - if not for knowing the boys needed to be there I probably wouldn’t have gone. (Thankfully David especially at the time wanted to be there also).

Remarried again now I’m content in my marriage - I know what choice I made and while there are things I struggle with in my marriage I’m content with my choice overall.

The picture of the lone solitary tree in Africa with a single figure standing under it always resonates with me - in many ways it describes how I feel.

Life

A lot has happened recently - some of it fun and some not.  It's been rather a roller coaster ride of emotions overall.

Gives an idea of how deep the snow was - looking southwest towards the chicken coop

10 days ago was a fun day.  I drove one of the buses going to the Shrine Circus.  It was the first time I've ever done this and I was nervous as it is a rather big deal.  But it turned out to be a lot of fun - our school district sent 5 buses total - 3 from the elementary school I drive for and 2 from the other one.  We loaded our 3 buses about 8:30 and then moved to a road just off the main east/west highway in the area.  We waited there about half an hour until we got word the buses from the school districts to the west were on the way.  (That wait was the most stressful part of the day as that was when the kids got restless - you can't load 40-50 students on a bus then have them sit for 30 minutes and expect them to stay reasonably quiet and still!)  We fell into line about the middle where there was a gap in buses.  By the time all the buses had joined the convoy we had 50 school buses, an ambulance, a wrecker and a spare bus.  (I never saw the end of the line).  We also had 29 police cars from a large number of different departments - I counted at least 5 different departments including state and county police.  It was amazing.  Buses all drove in the left lane with 4 way flashers on while the emergency vehicles were lights and sirens in the right lane.  Police cars would hopscotch ahead and block every single intersection so the buses simply kept moving - nothing stopped us.  We got to the edge of the "city" and merged onto the north south interstate highway.  Police cars blocked that traffic as well - we had the entire interstate to ourselves for the 2 mile or so stretch we were on it.  Then local city traffic was also stopped for the convoy until we were parked in the venue for the circus.  After the performance was over we were served packed lunches on the buses before we lined back up and reversed the process returning back to the schools.  While the driving was a bit more stressful it made for a memorable day.  I only wished I could have been in two places at one time so I could have got pictures.  (There were people lined up along the edge of the highway at different places taking pictures - I even saw one gentleman in the median in the middle.  I decided that if I wasn't driving this trip next year I would definitely be parked along the route someplace so I could take pictures).  It was also nice that the weather, while cold wasn't excessively so and wasn't snowy. 

The next day Hubby and I were in a convoy of a different sort - much more sad.  We attended the funeral of the son of one of his high school buddies.  He had committed suicide.  What made it so much more difficult than most funerals I've been to is that I felt that there was no hope given.  No mention of salvation or anything though there was plenty of Scripture read.   

Starting Saturday night through last evening we had snow falling.  Churches were canceled all over the area.  We ended up with between 12-14 inches at our house.  It started blowing and drifting after the snow stopped and we had another snow day today.  Squirrel and Dipstick both went out this afternoon to sled with different friends.  Squirrel said the east west highway was still pretty bad this evening - traffic moving only about 30 mph.  Plows have been out all over but roads are still slick and snow-covered.  We are already on a delay for tomorrow morning - not sure we will actually go or not.  If we don't I'm certain I will need to get out tomorrow at some point.  I've been content to stay in so far.  

Yesterday morning one of Stretch's friends was killed in a rollover accident where they attend college.  Slick roads.  The campus is grieving.  Having said that they have the certain knowledge that they will see this young man again - he knew the Lord and sought to serve Him.  I met him once - he brought Stretch home for a weekend (that was cut short) his freshman year so he could attend a David Crowder concert.  Stretch was two weeks out from surgery to repair his broken leg.  His willingness to give up his time to do this was such a blessing.

My crazy cats sitting under the bird feeders

Snow Days

3rd snow day in a row.  I think most people will be very glad to get back to school and a regular schedule.  Last Wednesday we went on a 2 hour delay - the first of the year.  Thursday and Friday we closed - and we knew the night before.  That makes it really nice as the alarms don't have to go off (at least not as early).  Last night roads were bad - we had a skiff of ice before it started snowing.   However a delay wasn't called until this morning.  I was already headed for the bus to get it going when school was canceled for today.  Our road had not been plowed at all - probably about 3 inches to drive through in most areas.  The closest main road had been plowed and was somewhat slick but not terrible.  The next main road heading south was AWFUL as was the east/west highway.  I could have found a place to turn around but since I was halfway to the bus I figured I would go ahead and make sure it started so I didn't have to go back out later.  Squirrel is already climbing the walls though.

I have to say it is beautiful out - and not nearly as bitter cold as it was last week.  Overall I'm thankful for the snow as it makes things prettier out.  The white dusting on the trees and the silence as it comes down is so peaceful.

Today I'm hoping to finish a few things around the house - cleaning out the fridge is one.  I finally have my craft desk cleaned off and dusted.  A couple more piles there to sort through and it will be useable again.  (Piles are off to the sides but I would like them gone through first).  It would be nice if I had time to go through pictures on here but not sure if I will get to that or not.  Don't want to sit at the computer all day - it's in the darkest area of the main living area.

Angry - Rant

Ok...I admit it...I'm really angry.  I try not to always post "deep emotion" especially not negative emotion but today I'm angry and I have to write about it.  (And lately there's been more negative emotion then anything - I'm sorry.  I hope to eventually do better in that area but...not today)

Why am I angry and who am I angry at?  The why is easy - it's watching my father in law Dad K deal with medical stuff that just shouldn't be happening.  It's carelessness at best and outright negligence possibly.  Who am I angry at - that question is more difficult to answer.  And to even begin to answer it the back story must be written out.

One late Sunday evening 5 weeks or so ago Dad K wasn't feeling well again.  He'd had just a couple weeks before finished a long treatment for a UTI and had been catheter free for just a few days.  But that Sunday evening he was alternately hot and cold, in back pain and just not feeling well.  He went to bed early only to have us receive a phone call for B to go over and help him up as he'd fallen trying to get to the bathroom.  B and Dipstick rushed over and decided he needed to go to our local ER.  So B drove him in - he was quickly cathed and it was determined he had another UTI.  The doctor on duty was going to send him home with more antibiotics and the tube to be followed up later.  Mom K prayed as she knew going home wasn't an option - he'd been complaining of back pain at home and the on-duty ER doc wasn't listening to her.  Dad K's fever went up then his pain level in his back increased and an MRI was ordered and it was decided he would be admitted.  However this took so much time it was 6:30 in the morning before he was moved to a room.  When his regular doctor came in on rounds roughly an hour or so later he said Dad K needed transferred to "the city" to a bigger hospital who could care for him.  By the time he arrived at the bigger hospital he was septic and in septic shock.  To make a long story short he was in ICU there for 9 days, on multiple IV medications and we originally weren't sure he would be able to fight this off.  He spent a couple of days in a regular room and then was transferred to a rehab facility a couple miles away.  He was weak as a baby and could do basically nothing without assistance.

He's been in the rehab facility for 3 1/2 weeks now and has regained quite a bit of strength.  He is able to walk with a walker (and support), stand some, feed himself regular food without assistance, think and speak clearly...Due to his pulmonary fibrosis he still tires extremely easily but that has been an ongoing issue.  He has already outlived predictions for that...  We were just waiting for him to be strong enough to have the kidney stones "blasted" so we could then start thinking about bringing him home.  That procedure has been delayed once already due to lack of communication between the doctor's office and the facility on his medications.  It is currently scheduled for Dec. 16th.

Yesterday morning he was not feeling well when Mom K and I arrived.  (Mom K goes over there 6-7 days a week, I'm there 3-4)  He didn't eat much breakfast, hadn't slept and was complaining of pain in his side.  The nurse on duty was concerned that there was a bowel blockage of some sort and requested an x-ray stat.  This was about 9:00 am.  I left shortly before 1:00 pm to run an errand and go do my bus route.  Found out later that the x-ray was finally done at 3:15 and there were no results by 5.  Sometime between that and 6 pm I found out he was being transferred to the ER by ambulance for a ct scan.  B went in after 8 pm so that he could bring Mom K home.  Long story short - the ct scan was apparently never done.  The ER changed his catheter out, had some junk released and Dad K started feeling better and was able to eat.  They tested him and have determined he's got another UTI.  They tried to get B to take him back to the rehab facility - that was an argument until it was determined that B had no oxygen for him so he had to wait for ambulance transport.

Apparently the catheter should have been changed at minimum once a month - with his history likely more often.  So who was responsible for making sure that happened???  And who should be the "correct" recipient of my anger? The urology doctor who saw him a couple weeks ago and is to be doing the "blasting"?  He at the very least should have done that when Dad K was in the office.  He should have also made sure that was in release orders from the hospital.  The rehab home who are administering his meds and caring for him??  I think they would have an out because they have to follow doctor's orders.  But on the other hand - surely they should know it does need changed!

I am definitely angry with myself for not questioning that aspect of his care.  I thought about it several weeks ago and brought it up once.  I don't remember what I was told - I know I was told the kidney drain would be fine and did not need to be changed out.  But as just the daughter in law who is not medical and who has pushed on other issues and possibly stepped on toes I didn't push.  Some of my anger is definitely directed at myself.

Today Dad K is "perky" and feeling much better.  I'm thankful for that.  BUT this should not have happened in the first place.  

Not Positive - Edit at the bottom

Ok.  I admit it...I'm discouraged today - and frustrated.  Yesterday I had a great day - felt good, accomplished stuff - not everything that needed doing but was able to accomplish.  The house was warm and the sun was out.  The grapes are all juiced for starters...kitchen was cleaned...bathroom counter was cleaned...and I figured out what all was going out when the circuit blew.  I even walked. And while I turned in a write-up on one student - and had issues with the same student at the beginning of afternoon route things overall went well.

Today...I dragged out of bed knowing I didn't sleep well.  The sun is going to shine at least some today.  The house is cold and I just don't feel good.  And I'm emotional.  Had issues with my student this morning - as well as kids at my last stop telling me there's no seats.  Kids wouldn't move in.  I know they all hate being 3 to a seat but on Wednesday mornings they are pretty much guaranteed to have at least a few seats that way.  I can't help it - it just is.  And Dipstick didn't make the bus this morning - nor did he text me to tell me where he was.  I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything going on this week - parent/teacher conferences this afternoon, bus driver committee meeting tomorrow morning and Grief Group tomorrow night for Dipstick (I have to be there for that even though he's old enough to do stuff alone).  For Squirrel parent teacher conferences are positive - I feel like it's a waste of the teachers time for me to go.  But I go anyway.  For Dipstick - it's frustrating.  He's passing all his classes currently thanks to the fact that he tests well.  But he simply doesn't bother to do the homework and nothing his dad or I say or do makes a difference.  So I'm going to go - simply because I believe it's important as a parent - even though I don't "need" to for Squirrel - and not going to have any answers for Dipstick's teachers.  I need to get the grape juice finished and canned and laundry folded at least. I have eggplants to dehydrate...and zucchini.   At some point I need to get bills paid and checking accounts balanced.  And I need to get a seating chart done for my bus kids - it's partly done mentally but needs to be on paper and finalized.

I've been thinking about life seasons a lot recently - Hubby and I are looking at basically being "empty nesters" in a year.  I'm realizing now that I will have more time to focus on being creative then and that's the time to do so.  But still looking at balance also - especially now. Balance is necessary but feels non-existent at the moment.   I'm not saying this well at all but am getting sleepier by the minute.  Hoping a short nap will help both physically and mentally.

Edited to add: Last batch of juice in the canner.  Will have 9 pints, 3 quarts and 1 jelly jar of grape juice.  Had a short nap and called and got a subscription straightened out.  Also folded 3 loads of laundry.  Hubby is out looking at incoming jobs so I won't need to make him lunch.  Since we don't have leftovers at the moment that's kind of a blessing.  I always have to laugh ruefully - he goes from having a few days up to a week without a lot of work then suddenly has a whole bunch of jobs come in.  This tends to happen right when he's getting really worried about not having enough work.  The challenge is balancing them but the work has always been there when it's needed.  God provides.  

Random

Feeling completely exhausted today...emotionally as well as physically.  We lost our new kitten yesterday - she was an outside cat but Hubby and Dipstick both had become very attached as she was very tame - and a beautiful calico.  Unfortunately she did not like our puppy (not a replacement for Sally dog) who spends a lot of time in the shop - the kitten was scared enough that she got hit by a car.  I'm grieving that loss as well as Sally dog's.

Have been reading a lot about different MKs who are now as adults realizing what their parents endured as they sent their young children off to boarding school.  I think so many of us didn't realize the emotional cost our parents endured - I know I didn't.  Am really wishing I could talk to Mom to find out her thoughts as they left us - and as they received our letters.  I remember being quite ill as a 6th grader - spending several days in an oxygen tent.  I also remember finding out - imagine I was told but don't remember that specifically - that if I hadn't started improving soon my parents would have been called.  I'm not sure there was ever a specific diagnosis found for why I was so ill.  But I can still mentally picture that bed covered with the oxygen tent.  I mentioned that to my sister one day when we were chatting - she remembers that time as well.  Said she was allowed to visit me - I was in the school infirmary - and it was "scary".  She would have been 3rd grade at the time.

Still am crazy busy.  Squirrel had cross country meets both Saturday and last night.  The course last night was more difficult than Saturday's - he didn't feel he did as well.  His time was certainly slower but he was able to pass at least one team member.  His goal is to improve enough to catch up to our top runner - and hopefully pass him.  He is only 21 seconds behind him so it is do-able.  In addition to meets, I've been driving bus extra - drove the high school band to a festival on Monday where they marched in a parade.  Last Saturday I also drove for the band.  I won't be available to drive for them now until October as every Saturday we have a meet.  This upcoming Saturday will be at IWU where Stretch is finishing up his final year of college.  That meet is always fun and since I won't be driving a bus we will be able to eat together after.

I am in the middle of canning tomatoes.  After tonight I should have an estimate of how many quarts I will end up with.  Yesterday I spent roughly two hours peeling tomatoes and another half hour or so dicing them - that was using a vegetable chopper so it went quickly.  I had forgotten how messy it can be though.  Only finished about a quarter of the ones I have sitting in the kitchen - and they aren't canned yet.  They are sitting in my fridge waiting.  My friend Suz told me this morning that she canned hers last year without peeling them - just simply cored and cut out any bad spots.  She said it takes much less time so I'm thinking I will try that for the second batch.

Dipstick is struggling still with school - he is so intelligent but just can't be bothered to do more than the absolute minimum.  It is very frustrating - and something completely different for me to deal with.

I'd better scoot - have an appointment at 11:30.  Have got some laundry folded this morning and the kitchen almost ready to can in.  So progress...

To end on a positive note - the sun is shining today and it's not incredibly hot.  

Lots to write about...today is a beautiful day.  Low humidity and sunny.  That is a lovely change after the last several days of extreme heat and humidity.  Temperatures were in the upper 80's with heat indexes at least 10' warmer.  Made driving bus decidedly uncomfortable.  The rain we've had has been good though.

The dehydrator is running again - with more zucchini.  This time it's shredded fairly small so I'm anxious to see how how it turns out.  I have two more to do and possibly more on the way.  Also want to try doing some tomatoes but I'd rather get ones that are large enough to can.  We will see.

Yesterday I had coffee which turned into breakfast with a gal who will hopefully become a new friend.  We visited for over 2 hours - it seemed to fly.  She goes over the road with her truck driver husband for much of the year.  She is a believer and is just a few years older than I am.  There are always some nerves when making new friendships - at least for me.  So...we will see.

On a different note last Friday we lost our Sally dog.  She was 13 years old, probably as fat as she was tall - she was pretty short so that's easy to accomplish.  She was half german shepherd and half corgi-mutt.  Had shepherd coloring, face and feet with corgi legs.  We don't know for sure what happened as she was ok when I left for route that afternoon.  I firmly believe she was hit by a vehicle even though Hubby said she looked ok.  These last few years she didn't get enough attention but she was still faithful to wag her tail and greet us when we got home - as well as serving as an alert dog - letting me know when someone had come in the driveway.  She was especially helpful with that when the boys and I lived alone after Mike died - I never worried about having someone "sneak up" on us.  We got her about a year and a half before Mike died - makes her loss a bit harder as outside of my boys who I don't count in this list she was the last "thing" we shared to go.  Sally dog and two of my cats from OK moved here to IN with us.    The cats are gone, my purple "Princess" Intrepid is gone and I sold the house we shared a year about he died.  Kinda makes it the end of an era.  None of that to say that I'm not "happy" with where my life is now - just her loss signifies more endings.  I'm not at all sure how to express that.. There was some humor in the situation though.  I got home from work to see Hubby sitting down in the shop looking completely exhausted.  This is unusual enough that I asked him if he was quitting early. (It was one of those ridiculously hot humid days). His response was "Well I've been doing something I shouldn't have to do...I'm not sure what happened - whether she got hit or if it was just old age but Sally is gone.  I just got done burying her".  My reaction - mentally was "Sally's gone - and you buried her.  Why did you have to bury Sally?  Won't we get in trouble for having Sally buried on our property? Ooh poor Bob...where is he?" followed by verbally "Oh...you mean Sally dog?!? I thought you were talking about Bob's wife and it didn't make sense to me.".   Hubby laughed...thankfully Bob did also later when Hubby told him about it.   I still look for her when I get home and miss her bark of greeting.

 Cross country and canning season are upon us.  I went after work this afternoon and bought a bushel of peaches (one of the few items I purchase) to can.  Hubby really likes peaches so it is high on my "preserving list".  Am hoping to acquire tomatoes without too much cost as well as more grapes.  This year I learned to pressure can and did corn that way.  Am excited to have learned that and to have 22 pints as a result.  However before I pressure can much I will have some supplies to purchase as canning on a glass cook-top is not recommended at all - the friend who taught me had her glass cooktop shatter when she was pressure canning one year.  I really enjoy canning even though it's exhausting.

Fibro and other updates

It's been a very long time since I've written - 6 months.  I've thought about it several times but just haven't taken the time to sit down to write.  Of course part of that is due to the health issues I've been dealing with - increased depression, physical pain and dyshidrotic eczema.  Having an official diagnosis for the pain "helps" in that I'm not crazy.  (Some would say I am but whatever...)  Thankfully fibromyalgia is not life-threatening but it can be life-altering.  I don't have the excessive fatigue that many do but I do have the pain.  Some of it is an all-over achy-ness, some of it is pain in specific areas - that can move around.  I could be prescribed a controlled substance drug to deal with it but I really don't want to spend my life drugged up - not to mention that as a school bus driver I have to be careful what I take and insurance won't cover it anyway.  So...we are treating the depression - working to find an affordable drug that is effective, the eczema, and the high blood pressure that is a family inherited issue.  The pain I just live with or take OTC painkillers - that knocks it down to bearable.  I'm working on weight-loss/exercise changes as well and would like to get to eating more "whole" foods.

On a different note - I'm home this morning and thankful to be.  Played hooky from church and will be going up to the 4H fair later.  But am enjoying my peaceful morning at home.  The guys are all gone - 2 to the fair, 1 to church.  Stretch is still in Israel for most of another week.  I enjoy the fair and we usually all spend at most of at least the first 3 full days there.  This afternoon Hubby, Squirrel and Dipstick will be pulling antique tractors.  Then we will all help with making kettle corn for "sale".  The money raised is given to the 4H museum that Hubby's dad was instrumental in getting built.  I hope to get to walk through the barns at some point today - to see the animals and visit friends who raise them.  Hubby and Dipstick for sure will stay for the grandstand event truck pull this evening - I may or may not.

Yesterday I drove school bus in the morning and then went straight to the fair.  Made for a long day but mostly enjoyable.  In the afternoon I watched and took pictures of Squirrel and Hubby doing blacksmithing.  Watched the demo derby last night - one of my favorite events.  There is one more demo derby on Wednesday evening that I hope to attend.  

More?

Red sky in the morning...grey-blue overcast layers later... active birds at the mostly empty feeders ... I would say we are definitely going to get more snow and weather.  We have an inch or so predicted for overnight and a wintry mix for Saturday.  There is also talk of another system moving in next week mid-week.  Most of the "reliable" forecasters aren't giving amounts connected with that yet.  I'm interested to see what happens.  I don't mind the snow but actively dislike the cold. Had a feeling it would be a "long" winter this year - the crops were prolific.  Thankfully here at least we have the equipment to somewhat keep up with snow removal.

Other than that - we went on time to school for the first time in I can't remember how long today.  Was hoping things would settle into a routine again but suspect it will be awhile before that happens.  This isn't going to be much of an entry this time - main thing on my mind was a description of the weather indicators. 

Winter

This snow plow got stuck just down the road from our house.  He took out a portion of the guard rail.

Well....we are on day 2 this week of snow days.  Last week we were off Monday and Tuesday due to snow days - still don't understand why on that.  Then we also canceled on Friday.  Can't remember why - if it was cold, blowing wind or actually snowing.  This week it's been a combination of dangerously low wind chills and blowing snow.  Truthfully school tomorrow is doubtful as there are still windchill warnings active until noon tomorrow.  However today at least the Warning Level emergency is lifted and we are allowed to travel with caution. Sunday and Monday we weren't supposed to even be on the roads unless we were an emergency vehicle, plow or a emergency/public safety employee.  People didn't tend to listen - some employers still required people to come to work.  However we didn't go out until last night when B and Dipstick went to tear out a stage at church.  Today Squirrel is out with a list of things to do in town - groceries to purchase, a stop at the cell phone store and the license branch at least.  We have more snow expected and slightly warming temperatures this weekend. 

This is Lily - our new puppy.  She is about 7 months old. Behind her you can see some of the drifts - that is looking towards the road.

 .

I've spent the time off baking some, looking for and sorting childhood letters and trying to keep up with the cleaning.  Between the dog, somewhat grumpy family and us all being home that's been harder rather than easier.  I am very very thankful for the sunshine in spite of the cold though.  I much prefer that to the grey gloomy days we often have during the winter.

A view from the 3 season room - gives just an idea of how deep the drifts were over the weekend.  Now the snow is up touching the bottom ring.

New Insight

Starting off with a quote from the book "Good Morning with God" by Jennifer Rothschild.  She is talking about the days we feel like giving up on life.

"The problem, however, with giving up or giving in is that we get what we give."

That made me think.  The Scripture she referenced is Galatians 6:7 which says "Do not be deceived.  God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows."  (NIV)  The Message puts it this way: "Don't be misled:  No one makes a fool of God.  What a person plants, he will harvest."

I've never thought of this passage in regards to anything but finances -  give generously and you will receive generously.  This is even though the following verses reference actions and attitudes.  I'm not sure if that's because finances have been taught in church in reference to this verse or what.  Either way - new thought - not the right word - for me...Jennifer applies it to attitudes and actions.  If we give into depression and despair that is what we will receive - defeat and despair.  However if, in those times, we deliberately focus on praising and thankfulness God will bless.  The following verses back this up so I'm not at all sure why I've not seen it before. 

Christmas time is a time I've always struggled - think I'm much like my dad in this area.  This year has been much worse than normal - we've had several days of rainy gloomy weather, I've had chickens die, little time with friends, money is a bit tight and we are coming up on an anniversary of Mom's home-going.  Yesterday I was extremely teary.  Today I'm going to do my best to focus on the blessings and go from there.  First blessing - the sun is shining.

Grief

Grief seems to be a bigger issue today than normal...last Thursday I found out that a boy off my very first bus route for the current school district I work for had gone missing.  He had walked away from his home and not been heard from since.  Authorities were "very concerned" about his safety.  That evening I heard that his body had been found - he had committed suicide.  He was 19.  Even though I was not "friends" with him I was able to read his Facebook page - every tribute on there talked about how much he'd impacted those around him - made high school easier for others, always friendly, always smiling...I wonder how someone like that could not have one person he could go to for help.  I grieve - for a life cut short, for his sister who also rode my bus, for his older brother and for his parents.  And I grieve - while I know he occasionally attended church I don't know what his relationship with the Lord was.  It's not my place to judge but I hope that I will someday see him in heaven.  I wonder if I could have done more, impacted more - if he knew that bus driver who was so strict with all the students really did care about him.  I think about kids on my current bus route - many of whom are very anti-"christian" - some of whom are truly struggling and I wonder if there is more I can do beside be there to listen and to pray.  I wonder if they know that I really do care about them - I'm not strict just to be a "witch" but because I want them to be safe overall.

We are coming up to a year since Mom went home to heaven.  Much of my grieving for her was done before she died as she suffered through that illness - but still there is a loss.  I was out shopping one day last week and found a set of music cd's she would have loved.  I put them in the cart to consider purchasing and forgot about them until after I'd checked out.  Now I have to decide if I'm going to keep them or pass them on to someone else or what.  I miss her more as time goes on - especially when I think of a question or find something I really want to know her thoughts on.  Thankfully I have the assurance that I will someday see Mom again. 

In the last week we've lost 2 kittens - sounds like a "minor" loss.  But these were 2 of the 3 survivors from Oddball who was out of our first litter of kittens here in IN and they had been bottle-fed since she'd been killed in the road a week or so before I had knee surgery.  They were tame (almost to the point of being a nuisance) and loved to come in our feet, be petted and talked to.  It makes me sad and again I grieve.  If it weren't for major allergies and Hubby not being fond of the idea we would have in-door cats and I wouldn't face this as much.   But he is and we do and so we don't. 

I am thankful though that we didn't lose more than a few small tree limbs and 2 bird feeders during this latest storm.  Considering there were many tornadoes as a result of this storm we were blessed not to have damage.

I took this picture after the storm had gone through - taken facing west where the most of the weather comes from.  We continued to have major wind until very late into the night but no more strong rain.

Writing again...maybe

Feeling relieved this morning - have satisfied myself that if it's not already in my freezer or canned it's too late to do it this year.  There are still a HUGE amount of wild grapes I pass every day that I've been eying longingly.  However this morning I stopped and tried one - they are quite tart and a little off tasting as well as beginning to dry up.  So I concluded they are done.  Apples that are still on the trees are rather mushy - we've already had a couple of hard frosts.  So...the fruit is done.  And the garden has been done for awhile.  It's kind of a relief to know I can put the canning supplies away and start enjoying what is in the pantry.  Having said that I really stepped out of my comfort zone and tried some new things this year.  I did applesauce, apple butter, apple pie filling, grape jelly, grape juice, wild grape jelly, slice peaches, peach jam...those are all canned.  In the freezer are sliced apples, diced apples and grapes at least.  Oh yes - also raspberries and cherries.   And I canned raspberries as well...Not too much in the way of veggies except tomatoes - will have to rely on the grocery store for those at this point.  All the fruit was given to me or free for the picking.  I was abundantly blessed. 

I still feel that since the harvest was so abundant the winter may be quite a long one.  Have longed to find a persimmon to check to see what it predicts but don't know enough to recognize them on trees.  Even the farmers have commented on how excellent the harvest is. 

Now that the preserving is done, band is done (I drove the bus many Saturdays to competitions) and soccer is done I will be able focus on catching up around here...housework, bills, finishing ornaments for my route kids...scrapbooking, drawing...the list goes on.  Every Wednesday night I watch Little Bit and her baby brother (who needs a nickname) so their mom can finish up cosmetology school.  Other than that and the biweekly Sunday nights when I go to church life should slow down.  Just will need to be "strict" with myself and not spend all my "free" time on the computer.  I get to start walking for exercise again Monday - will be doing that at least 2 mornings a week.  It's a start.

The knee is about as good as it's going to get after surgery I think.  Still gets stiff easily and still catches some but not as bad.  And according to Hubby I'm walking better. 

I wanted to post some pictures but at the moment they are still on the phone so will have to wait. 

Well surgery did happen and it went well overall.  For the first time ever I did not get sick from the anesthesia at all.  I didn't wake up "well" according to Bruce but did wake up and make it home. The damage in the knee was worse than the doctor expected and surgery did take longer.  I'm looking at a knee replacement sooner rather than later.  That however will have to be done over a summer break when I can have a boy handy at home and don't have a job to worry about. 

I'm recovered to the point that I want to be doing and walking...not just sitting trying to entertain myself.  So today I'm grumpy I admit.  I have stuff to do but it's not convenient to get it and no one is around to help.

Guess I'd better post this and be done.  Maybe next time I will be more cheerful.

Feeling Stuck

Feeling stuck today.  My knees have always been an issue - way back to high school days.  I've not been able to drive a stick shift vehicle partly as a result of the knee issues as clutching was a challenge.  (Hubby would say it's also that I can't "hear" the engine when it's time to shift).  Either way...last spring I fell and ended up injured.  I have a torn meniscus now in the left knee that is scheduled to be "fixed" Wednesday morning.  Fixing basically involves going in, cutting out the torn portion and then smoothing/shaving off any rough edges of bone.  Then I will be on crutches for 5 days not allowed to put any weight on it.  We have the following Monday off for Labor Day so that means only 3 days off work if all goes as planned. 

However I pulled a "stupid" and have a severe case of poison ivy reaction - one friend told me I look like I've been beat-up.  My face is swollen and bright red, one eyelid is swollen...Usually when I get this reaction it requires steroids to treat it.  However having surgery scheduled for Wednesday may mean I can't take the steroids or have to reschedule the surgery.  I don't want the surgery but nor do I want to reschedule it. 

I'm waiting now for a call back from the surgeon's office to let me know what to do.  I also do have an appointment with my family doctor so I can at least get a prescription for the steroids.  In the meantime I'm also doing all the non-prescription and folklore type treatments I can...including taking an antihistamine that tends to make me a little sleepy every few hours.

Sorry this post isn't very positive - just needed to get stuff out there. 

Writing again...

It has been a coon's age since I've written.  What else is new in my life?  However, having said that, so much of what I've read and heard recently - in devotionals, blogs, and even our current sermon series at church is the importance of telling "our" stories and remembering what God has done in our lives.  While I certainly am not a writer and am not always good at remembering those things I am encouraged again to make writing more of a priority.  (I notice I wrote about this back in May of this year as well - wish I knew where the blog entry I wanted to link to was.  Yikes.) 

School has started back up again already.  I've had a really smooth start to the year in spite of the fact that my bus has been crowded in the mornings.  The "country" part of my route only has maybe 2 new students on it.  However when I get back to go through town my numbers easily triple in just 4 or 5 stops.  Most of the kids who challenged me so much last year are freshmen in high school now so I only have them on the bus for a very short time which means less time for them to challenge me and problems to arise.  Having said that I do have to watch for some inappropriate boy-girl interactions.  My afternoon route has more "new" students but is not nearly as crowded as it was last year and the year before.  That makes it nice.  I will still do a seating chart - it makes my life much easier and I don't tend to not realize someone is on that way.  Plus the kids seem to do better overall knowing they have a "reserved" seat each day.

Lately I've been busy with canning and freezing apples.  Was blessed with probably 4 bushels of "wild" un-sprayed granny smith type apples this month.  All I had to do was go help pick one afternoon.  A few were run through the dehydrator - I've decided in order for that to not be frustrating it would be nice to have more racks.  There are probably enough peeled and sliced in the freezer for 3 or 4 apple pies as well as a couple cups of chopped pieces for muffins, etc.  Then for the first time ever I did canned apple pie filling - got 5 qts of that and 13 pints of unsweetened applesauce as well as two batches of apple butter.  I've also canned tomatoes - would have liked to try drying a few of them as well but forgot in the rush to get them done.  Have 6 or 7 qts of sauce and probably 8 or 9 pints of diced tomatoes, mainly yellow ones.  Peaches are ready and I would like to do some of them.  And I really would like to go pick elderberries for jelly this week.  Earlier this year I canned and froze raspberries.

However the challenge at the moment is pain that has greatly increased over the past few days.  I'm not at all sure if it's simply that it really is increasing or the fact that I finally admitted that there was a problem in the knee and went to the doctor to confirm it means that I can no longer ignore or deny the pain.  Either way - I'm scheduled for knee surgery next Wednesday morning (week from tomorrow) to repair (cut out the torn part) my medial meniscus.  It is supposed to be an out-patient surgery where I'm home by mid-day and on crutches for the next 5 days.  If all goes as planned I should only have to take 3 days off work and be able to return after the long Labor Day weekend. 

I'm sure there was more I wanted to write about - need to update on the boys.  But it's time I got around for work this afternoon.  So that will have to wait.

Eventful Month

Robin's nest in Grandpa's bird house

Hard to believe it's been almost a month since I've written.  This summer has become crazy busy again.  Tonight my heart is heavy - so many hurting people.  Two girls off my bus route tried to run away today.  They were found safely but have accused their parents of abuse and as a result the girls are in the care of CPS while the parents are facing questions from the authorities.  I know the parents as well as the girls and don't for a minute believe the accusations.  However the questions still must be dealt with.  I can only imagine the emotional pain.  The aunt of one of my best friends had a stroke yesterday and while prognosis initially looked good things are grim tonight.  To make matters more stressful aunt was in town for the wedding of one of her niece's supposed to happen this Saturday.  Two boys that I've had on my bus in the past lost their grandfather this morning. 

Mike's brother D is still healing from his bicycle accident that he had last week.  He had stitches in his hip, has 2 broken bones in his hand, lots of road rash and possibly a broken rib.  He missed his grandfather's funeral this past Friday as a result of the accident.  Grandpa K was 97 - he lived a long life.  His health had been going downhill for several months and he'd been between rehab and hospital several times.  He broke his hip in rehab on a Friday night - had surgery to repair it Monday (10 days ago) and did well during surgery.  They were planning to send him back to rehab the end of last week.  He died on Tuesday.  The blessing was that up until just the past couple of weeks his mind was still sharp - he winked goodbye to his dear friend that afternoon. 

Squirrel and that old red plastic bat

Stretch, Squirrel and I took off last Thursday for TN so we could attend Grandpa's funeral.  It was a bittersweet trip - and fast.  When I told Squirrel last week about Grandpa having surgery he immediately started listing off his memories from when we'd visited - playing ball in the yard with the red plastic bat, riding the lawn mower, shucking corn...it was important we made the trip. I loved the place in TN - out in the country, beautiful view...that place will likely be sold now.  We were home by midnight on Saturday night as all 3 of us had responsibilities at church the next day.  Sunday evening D's wife La arrived at our place with her youngest son.  She spent the night so that Monday morning early (5:30ish) we could hit the road again to go meet the guy from the funeral home to bury Grandpa in OH. (We weren't sure he knew we were coming). I'd been to that cemetery when Grandma K died - 5 years ago I think - but didn't remember exactly how to find it.  We used maps on the phone and in the atlas to get close - then things started to look familiar.  After that it was pretty much by the seat of our pants.  We made it in time and spent about an hour and a half there - it was very interesting to talk to the guys who worked there.  Turns out the one had known Grandpa's sister's first husband.  From there it was back home so that La could be home to her place that night. 

While the weekend and Monday had their share of tears it also had times of laughter and fun.  On the way back from TN we were privileged to meet up with one of my very good friends from high school for a meal.  There was much laughter and talk there.  There was also much talk and laughter during the drive with La.  I'm definitely a country girl and my nephew is a city boy. 

Things don't look like they will slow down much over the next month.  Dad is coming down the end of next week and should be here for about two weeks.  Squirrel and I will meet him halfway so he doesn't have to drive the entire way down.  A week or so after he leaves J and her family will be in the area for about two weeks.  4H fair will be during that time so we will be busy - even though we don't have boys participating we are at the fairgrounds nearly every day for several hours at least.  In addition Squirrel has a summer class he is participating in that runs for 3 weeks in July as well as the two online classes he has to complete.  Additionally he is considering trying to make a college visit.  Stretch has his job on campus that has entered the busy time as well as messages to prepare.  Dipstick is working an average of 30 hours a week with his dad here in the shop at home. He's also got a couple of other temporary jobs to do.  I am just mom - trying to keep up with cooking, cleaning and working the garden at a friend's.

Squirrel

Gospel Choir outfit at ISSMA

Today is Squirrel's birthday.  It is hard to believe he is already 17 and will be "leaving the nest" in two very short years.

Son

Wow - time has flown by.  You have experienced a lot in your short life - been protected by God in amazing ways, moved several times, grown and changed so much.  You were always the child that I figured would give me the most grey hair - you had no fear of results from your actions.  You were not supposed to be able to walk normally let alone run as a result of a knee infection when you were just an infant.  I remember putting you in your crib in that hospital room so I could say goodnight to your dad.  Just as a nurse walked into the room you pulled up for the first time since you'd gotten sick.  Her reaction was "he's not supposed to be able to do that".  Later you used to love to jump into the deep end of the pool at the apartment complex even though you couldn't swim yet - you trusted me to catch you then would scramble out the shallow end and toddle as fast as you could back to the deep end to do it again.  At about 2 years old after we'd moved into our house you fell off the edge of the car and bounced onto the concrete floor of the garage.  That required stitches in the center of your forehead to close the hole from the corner of the car door.  The "run to the er/doctor" falls stopped for awhile after that - until we moved from OK to IN.  Then you fell off the play-set at a local seasonal eatery - this time that was an ambulance ride to the ER.  You must have been 6 or 7. No stitches that time.   Probably your biggest, most traumatic fall happened when you were in 7th grade - resulting in a PICU stay of several days and of course an ambulance ride.  Amazingly you only ended up deaf in one ear as a result of that fall - it could have been so very much worse.  As a high school freshman you were out running one afternoon and managed to get your foot run over by a car.  Again that could have had such a different outcome - even though you still have occasional issues with that foot you can still run and play.  God has clearly been protecting you.  

You have experienced several moves - first at 3 weeks old moving from IL to OK.  Then a move from our original apartment there to the house closer to where dad worked.  Another major move to IN to get a fresh start and one more move to where we live now when I married again.  

You have always had a strong determined personality.  You wanted to go straight from being nursed to a sippy cup - at 6 months of age. Potty training was a trip - you refused until I bought you "big boy" unders - and wouldn't wear even training pants.  However as soon as I allowed you to wear your "Thomas the train" unders you trained.  You struggled with kindergarten but not academically - it was more dealing with your dad's illness and hospitalization.  You were definitely a "mama's boy".   You used to hate getting up in the morning - I remember walking to the bus early mornings carrying you because you didn't want to go - you meantime were hollering at the top of your lungs.  When I finally got you your own alarm clock and made you responsible for getting up on your own you did fine.  You wouldn't try new foods - at least not unless you had applesauce to dip it in.  Applesauce and pizza, applesauce and corn-dogs, applesauce and fish sticks.  You used it like other kids used ketchup.

Because of that strong personality discipline was a huge challenge for me - I believed in spanking and that was simply ineffective in your case.  I remember Awowe telling me not to bother - it just made you more stubborn.  I despaired of seeing you grow spiritually - you asked Jesus into your heart at a very young age while we were attending COTM.  But growth seemed like a long time coming.  I am so excited to see the spiritually strong young man you've become - you have a heart for God and a heart for others.  I am looking forward to seeing how God will lead you and use you - in whatever area of the world you end up.  

You have run for years - since you were in 3rd grade at least.  The past couple of years have been difficult for you in this area - the coach did not approve of you doing two sports and the team just didn't feel like a team.  However you stuck with it with a good attitude and learned from it and still managed to improve your times.  What is important is that you do your personal best in all you do.  

There is probably so much more to write about - but I probably need to stop for now.  Will end with a quote from a book we used to read together - "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living my baby you'll be".  (From Love You Forever by Robert Munsch).  

I love you!

Working at home

Mom 

PS You still would rather be behind the camera instead of in front of it.  

Ramblings

The wind is blowing hard this morning - I can hear it howling.  It is supposed to get quite warm out so that will be ok.  I have plenty of flowers to get planted later though I still don't have mosquito spray made. 

Last night B worked until almost 11:00 pm.  He came in from doing physical work about 8 and had supper.  Then he and I worked on the computer looking for parts for a skidder that was down.  The owners are quite concerned about getting it repaired as quickly as possible.  Once I figured out that I had to look under forestry equipment it was much easier to get information and pictures of the part. However because the part with the hole in it is aluminum that is going to be difficult.  B cannot simply weld a patch onto it.  By the time he was off the phone with the owners and a friend for input it was almost 11.  Made for a short night as it still took awhile to settle down after.  

Bus route this morning went pretty well even though I was a bit tense.  I was due to have a couple students return who had been suspended from riding over defiance and I was a bit anxious about how they were going to behave.  That whole situation was a mess - it started simply because I had had to change my rules on hat wearing on the bus.  The one student refused to take his off which made the other (who I'd been having other issues with) put his back on and refuse to remove it again.  At that point I figured it was outright defiance and that I will absolutely not tolerate.  However the administrator at the one school refused to deal with it as he figured it was simply "hats" - turns out he didn't even talk to the students at all or contact the parents.  I knew he wasn't going to contact the parents but I did expect him to talk to the students.  If it was simply the student refusing to remove his in the first place there still would have been disciplinary action due to defiance but I doubt it would have gone to the extent it did.  (And I certainly would have been far less angry).  However as it turns out it appears that 2 of the 3 students involved (the 3rd was dealt with by a different administrator at a different school) will not be riding my bus in the mornings for the rest of this year.  I have yet to see if the one who rides both ways will be riding home with me - unfortunately that's where I had most of my issues with him.  But all of that to say while route went well overall I was sad to hear that the one parent was still extremely upset about the situation - I have had her kids for several years and really do care about them.  Currently only the one is still riding with me.    This all reads about clear as mud but I can't be more specific.

Yesterday afternoon when I got home I got a text from my sister to tell me to check my email - that my Uncle S was having open heart surgery right then.  She had forwarded the email from my Aunt BJ (Mom's sister) about it that gave sketchy details.  I found out this morning that he did come through surgery and had bypasses done.  Don't know how many or any more information.  However it all brought some grief to the surface again - if only for the fact that we are spread so far apart that I can't go visit.  Made me think how Mom and Dad coped when they were in Africa and received news like this.  There wasn't "instant" communication like we have today.  At best there were very occasional long-distance calls and telegrams. Most news came through "snail mail".  Also reminded me of how I felt when I received a letter from my Mom while I was at boarding school - was in 6th grade.  She told me in her letter that she'd had a stroke and had been paralyzed on the left side for 3 days.  God worked a miracle there - probably one of many in their lives - and healed her.  However to me a stroke meant you were going to die and I was very very upset.  I remember being told "why are you so upset?  Your Mom is fine" and that I needed to stop crying.  And true - she was ok.  But I wasn't home with her and had no real understanding.  It was scary.  I don't remember how long after that it was before I got to see Mom and Dad.  But I can still see myself hiding behind a chair crying. 

This is getting really long - I want to link to a blog I read the other day about telling our "stories" - how blogging doesn't have to be perfect, etc.  I also want to write about Mother's Day and the fact that I have a son who will be 17 in a week.  But guess that will have to wait until later - I really need to get out to the shop office and find some information to get some paperwork done. 

Very Strange Spring

Sitting here watching it snow outside.   Right now it is fairly heavy snow - coming down fast and hard.  However so far it's not accumulating on the ground.  It has been an odd month - we go from heavy extended rain to snow back to 50's and above back to rain and snow.  Last week (Thursday) we got several inches of rain in a fairly short time.   I was home alone that day - it was kind of nerve wracking to watch the rain just come across the field in sheets knowing we were under several different tornado and thunderstorm watches.

Sheets of rain coming across the field

Dipstick and I went to Grief Group that night as planned - driving both directions in continued rain.  Friday morning school was delayed to give people a chance to see where they were going and be able to avoid flooded areas.  I had to back out of one road on my bus route - not too bad considering.  It did put me running about 10 minutes behind but that wasn't too bad.  Several other buses had to reroute completely.  After morning route I went grocery shopping.

Migrating field

On the way home I was able to take pictures just on our road - one place where a field had migrated onto the road and another where there was a landslide.  It was crazy.  Most of the water went down fairly quickly and roads were opened again by Monday mostly. However Saturday morning we had snow on the ground again.  It was gone by that evening.

Landslide located a mile down the road from us

Last night we got another inch or so of rain - there was another smaller landslide on our road and water is at least lapping at the edges of roads in areas.  In the time it's taken me to write this the snow has stopped - at least temporarily.

Overflowing drainage ditch just down from the house

 

We had no water at our house.  However at the kids' high school water was lapping at the edge of the building.  The school is located in a town south of us right on a river, as is our bus garage. 

Fuel tanks at bus garage