Hiding out in the shop office tonight. Bruce is off measuring a corvette so he can figure out how to build the frame for his hot rod. Stretch and Dipstick have been sick today - Stretch has a heavy cold and ended up with hives last night. Dipstick started the day with an upset stomach. However I suspect he's got the cold as well and it's drainage upsetting his stomach. Squirrel thankfully is on the mend...he's been sick most of Christmas break.

Soon I will have a new computer for in the house - that was part of my Christmas gift. It is needed as the current one does not have adequate memory or much ability to work with my pictures. Was kinda hoping to go get it tonight but B was not available to go with me. If I'm going to go alone I would much prefer to do so during the day. Guess I have lived too many years in a city...don't like to be a woman out alone at night in shopping areas. I don't mind living in the country and having stuff open and unlocked though.

I'm struggling a bit tonight. Not sure why...think it's a combination of many things. The weather has been grey and gloomy most of this week with very little sunshine. I don't do well at all under those conditions. I still struggle with not feeling like I have value or anything to offer. My photos "vanish" into a computer. I can't keep good organized records to be a office manager. I am too strict with my boys and don't keep a clean organized enough house. I really need the little things I do to be noticed and appreciated - especially when I'm trying to improve an area. Not sure how much sense that makes - I certainly didn't realize until fairly recently just how badly I needed that notice - just a simple comment would do. "Hey Honey the house looks really nice" or "you are making progress on ..." Is that part of my "love language"? I don't know. It seems that B and I don't communicate as much or as well as we did earlier in our relationship and I don't like that. We do very well together if the boys are left out of the equation (and I do mean all 3 boys). Pain has been a factor this week as well - physical pain for me. My back and neck muscles are extremely tight and I don't know how to stretch them out and relax them. Of course that is complicated by the fact that my chest wall muscle is pulled again so movement in bed and lifting stuff is painful.

Of course grief is always a factor...Mom is coming up on being in hospital for a year. I am hyper aware of that. Yesterday she did not have a good day according to my sister. The questions are there - if the treatment plan had been followed completely would she be doing better? If the diagnosis had been made earlier would things have been different? How many others are simply tossed away because they don't have someone to advocate for them? Mom has Dad and my sister talking to the doctor and striving to make sure she gets the best care possible. My youngest brother David is researching and digging for more information...watching her symptoms and trying to figure out what the changes mean.

Along with the questions on her care come the questions I wish I had asked her. How in the world did she keep meals on the table for 6? Two main meals and breakfast. We didn't have a microwave or prepared foods or even much in the way of canned foods. Everything had to be cooked from scratch on a gas or wood burning stove. Did she ever have days when she was just ready to tear her hair out dealing with us kids? We fought often...especially my sister and I. I don't remember ever hearing her and Dad disagree in front of us kids yet I know they must have had disagreements at times. I remember only one time seeing her weep - we were getting ready to go on a trip from the coast to up-country by bus. Something wasn't going well and Dad was short with Mom. I don't know how it was resolved but I know that it was somehow. I remember lying in my bed at night and hearing them reading the Bible and praying together out loud - low murmers of voices. In the mornings Dad would be up way early to read his Bible and pray, Mom would wake later and read hers in bed while Dad was getting breakfast. (Mom had to eat withint 30 min or so of waking up or she would get dizzy and shaky - I am like her in that respect - have to have breakfast and coffee fairly soon after I wake).

The laundry we 4 siblings brought home from boarding school at the end of term must have been absolutely mind-boggling. Each time our quilts had to be washed as well as most of our clothes, other bedding and towels. While we had a washing machine of one sort or another for most of my memory, we had no dryer. Everything was line-dryed outside. My job was often to help hang the clothes. I tended to enjoy doing that most of the time as it gave me time to think and dream about what my adult life would be like. If rain threatened there would be a mad dash outside to bring in the remaining laundry that hadn't been brought in yet. Seems like we never finished doing all the laundry until it was just about time to return to boarding school a month or so later. Of course, after it was brought in it all had to be folded and sorted and put away. Some things were ironed.

I remember having other students at school comment to me on how "cute" it was to see an older couple like my Mom and Dad walking around campus holding hands. They often did that when they were up visiting - and they usually made the trip up at least twice a term. (Terms were 3 months long with a long weekend - mid-term - in the middle). I don't remember what I thought about Mom and Dad holding hands in public at my school - just the fact that others thought it was neat. I know that mail call was huge - always hoping for that letter from Mom or Dad. They took turns writing to us - individual letters to 4 kids written by hand or typed. Eventually there was a computer but Mom's letters were still mostly handwritten and Dad's were often.

Returning to school was always an adjustment. My sister and I would spend the week prior to return to school time baking cookies to take back with us. Molasses crinkles were made, brownies of various sorts, probably oatmeal raisin cookies...I dont' remember the rest. There was hot cocoa mix to be made, tea and other school supplies to be purchased. Eventually the packing was done, the last snacks were organized and time came to head to usually the train station. (Occasionally we took the bus to the capital but that was a much more crowded unpleasant trip and the train was prefered). A "picnic" supper would be packed along with sweet rolls for breakfast. Eventually our stuff would be hauled to the train station and packed into our 2nd class compartment. (First class was too expensive adn we were too many to ride 1st. In 2nd there was room for 6 people to sleep). Until bedtime we would read or talk or journal or walk the hallways of the train. Come bedtime it was time to pull the bunks up and make them into beds. There was only one window in the compartment and a small sink. Once the beds were made up there was no room to sit and really only room for a couple of people to stand at a time. Who-ever had the middle bunk on both sides had a small sliver of window to look out. There wasn't much to see except sometimes at the little places we stopped but it was fun to try. When we did stop one could often hear people talking and smell smoke. Mornings would come early...we would all be up by around 6 or 6:30. By then it would be light out and we would be watching the animals in the game reserve we were riding through. Dad used to joke that we were watching the gnus (news) and we would try to see how many different types of animals we would see. The train would usually arrive at the station around 8:00 am and the process of getting cabs and unloaded would begin. That day would be spent shopping in the capital before we headed out to the school later in the day or sometimes the next day. Mom and Dad would get us settled into our dorm rooms and then they would have to leave to return to the capital before it got really late. They would head back to the coast the next day. Adjustment to school was always tough for me...for the first 12-15 hours I would stay in my dorm room unpacking, reading my mail and eating from the snacks I'd brought from home. I would not go to the dining hall until the next day.

Enough of the memories for tonight. I'm weary and B is back so it's time to post this and head to bed.

Sunshine

Sunshine today...at least for a time. The temps are back up in the mid 30's. While I am thankful for the sun I'm not eager to have all the snow melt away. We have had snow most of the week - accumulating probably 3-5 inches I would guess. This morning there was just a fresh dusting. Today is supposed to be the warmest day all week - tomorrow and Saturday we have the chance of freezing rain or more snow. I will take the snow but would prefer not to have the freezing rain. We will see.

Have intended to blog all week but anytime I thought about doing so it was too close to bus route time or bedtime or someone else needing on the computer. So it never happened. Today again it's getting close to bus route time but I won't be home this evening as Stretch has his school Christmas concert tonight. (His last - those are starting..not sure I'm ready for that) I was looking for baby pictures of him last night - thought I had them all out to scrapbook but finally found them in a labeled box. It was fun...brought back memories. Now just to find the time to scrapbook them and finish his School Days album and...the list goes on.

Today I managed to get all the laundry folding done (first time all week) though I'm busy making more to fold. Also got the kitchen cleaned and dishwasher ran again so am basically caught up on dishes - at least until tonight. I also got a nap in thankfully. And supper is in the crockpot.

Had a good visit north to see Mom and Dad. What really made the trip was that I also got to see my sister Karen as she was down trying to schedule a meeting with the doctors caring for Mom. We spent Friday evening and most of Saturday together - mostly at the hospital but the point is that we were together. After she left for her home on Saturday Dad and I took Mom for a walk - the first time she had walked anywhere in several weeks. We did that again Sunday and Monday before Stretch and I left for home. Each time we went an increased distance and her increased strength and stability were obvious. While this is not an indication of "healing" it does show that the steroid treatment is still effective in keeping the disease somewhat under control.

Other than that...activities are ramping up for Christmas...between tonight and this time next week there are 3 different school band/choir concerts to attend. We only have 1 more week of school before the break - this entire year seems to have just flown by. I have done no Christmas cards yet...would like to get a note done to go in them. Will just have to wait and see.

Better scoot for now -want to let the chickens out today and feed and water them before bus route. I've kept them locked up all week due to the cold.