Why?

Ok....I'm not doing so well right now - desparately need to talk to someone but there's no one around.

There's a local Amish family that I've hauled some members of occasionally - one of their daughters has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor. (This daughter is a twin) Initially it sounded like the news was "good" - that there were no tendrils/fingers of the tumor extending into the brain and that the doctors might be able to do something for her. However the latest news is that there are tendrils extending through out the brain - think eyes on a potato - the longer they sprout outwards, the deeper they also go inwards. Surgeons have drained 140 cc's of fluid off to relieve the pressure and will be continuing to drain fluid as needed. The oldest daughter just got married less than 2 weeks ago, the youngest child is 6 months old (also a daughter) and I'm not sure how many there are in between. Rachel (with the tumor) is 11 or 12 and is hospitalized 2 - 2 1/2 hours south of here. The baby is down there with the parents - the other children are having to hire a driver to go back and forth to visit. There are still the chores to do to keep up the home front - taking care of the animals, the house, the business....The Amish community is generally fairly closely knit so I know they have help. But it's still a trying time.

I struggle with this whole situation. To me a diagnosis of a brain tumor is pretty much automatically a "terminal diagnosis" - if not soon, still eventually. Personally I tend to want to very much distance myself from the situation - to block it out and pretend it doesn't exist. It makes me ask "Why? Why isn't there an effective treatment for this (or any cancer for that matter)? Why do kids get this - especially?" I know it's awful for anyone to go through but how much worse for a child! I think - why does God allow this? but I know that the answer truly is that it's a result of the fall and the sinful condition of all in this world. I know that God must have a plan in allowing this for Rachel and this family - I don't know where they are with having a personal relationship with God. I hope and pray that if they don't this will draw them to Him. Beyond that all i have is my questions.

Field Trip

11 hours on the bus - including my morning bus route and today's trip. I'm exhausted! And stiff! Now I remember why I refused to do "turn-around trips" to Mike's doctor in OKC.....tey are rough on the body! Having said that, it was overall a good trip. The museum complex was beautiful - and the museum had more to see than could possibly be seen in just 2 hours. I gathered that the zoo was also in the complex, as well as what looked like a water park of some sort and a couple of museums. I got to see some of the museum but not nearly as much as I would have like to. It's someplace that I would like to take the kids back to - to spend more time at and actually get to see more - especially since they are currently showing an IMAX movie about space. We drivers did not go into the capital building as our buses were parked on the side of a little cobblestone road and we didn't feel comfortable leaving them. So that was 90 minutes sitting on or outside the buses - it was not bad weather but just long and not overly comfortable. The drive back probably felt like the longest part of the trip - more traffic due to the beginning of rush hour combined with tired, hyper kids. Ah well....I survived.

On a different note I found out this evening that the daughter of one of the Amish families I occasionally haul has been hospitalized in Indy's children's hospital with a brain tumor. I don't understand why there seems to be such an increase in brain tumors and why scientists can't find a cure/preventative.

Rain, Flowers & Photography Course

Well today I'm reminding myself that it's the spring showers that also help to bring out the spring flowers! My crocuses have bloomed, the daffodils are blooming....leaves are coming out on bushes & the fruit trees look like they are about to bloom. However today it's a cold rainy damp day that makes one just long to crawl back into bed for a long nap! I can certainly tell that I at least am very ready for spring break - am looking forward to a few days of sleeping in - and hopefully not too much running. However before that can happen I have 2 1/2 more days of school/ bus route to get through - tomorrow is Son2's all day field trip to Indianapolis to visit the capital. I get to drive that - and won't have a group of children to be responsible for during the day. I plan to tag along with Jonathan's group during tour time. However they've instructed the kids to bring a lunch that they can eat on the bus! (can you just imagine the sticky floors with spilled juice/pop? Guess I'd better remember to bring extra paper towels, wipes and trash bags) However while I can snack and drive I don't feel that I can eat a lunch and drive. Therefore I felt I needed to not have a group to chaperone around - not to mention the fact that if I'm a bus driver and a chaperone the kids don't get my full attention because my first responsibility is to being the bus driver.

On a different note....I mailed my first set of assignments this morning. I'm still not done with the test part of the lesson so that didn't get mailed. But that won't require a trip to the post office - I had to the take the assignments to the post office to make sure I had the right amount of postage on them. So...they are officially sent off. While I'm waiting for them to come back I'll go ahead and get started on the next ones. No major set of emotions either - except maybe relief that they are in the mail.

Ok....time to go scan some slides, continue to work on cleaning and organizing this room for Mom and Dad's visit next week and generally try to accomplish something today.

Photography Course

To answer those who've asked about my photography course - it is a through the mail course - 30 some lessons in all through New York Institute of Photography. It's a course that I've been interested in taking for more years than I can remember - I remember seeing advertisements for it come back in my mom's pictures that she would send off to get developed. Anyway....I finally decided to do this course - as part of healing and starting my life over. And because people have said I'm gifted at photography and I feel I need to do something with that gift that God has blessed me with.

They promise that if I do the photo projects they will make me a successful photographer. So...we will see. It's scary - and takes time. But I am enjoying it so far. I usually use my old trusty Minolta SLR - I also have a Nikkon digital SLR that I'm learning to use. My goal isn't to be able to work in a studio - definitely not to own one. I would like to be able to freelance some of my pictures and eventually make enough income to help support myself and the boys.

I'm not sure what else to post on this - hope that answers the questions.

An Unexpected Day

Well today I get an unexpected day at home - alone for a good part of it. I had an Amish run scheduled - that would have had me missing church (which I didn't realize until after I'd accepted it) so I sent both boys together with Son1's ride. Then I went to leave and to start the car - nothing but a click when I turned the key. Thankfully I was able to contact the Amish family and they were able to catch a ride with someone else. Once that was done I relaxed and plan to enjoy this much needed time at home. Last week I was gone 6 days out of 7 - running errands, etc during the times I'm usually at home during the day and in the evenings. By yesterday it had caught up to me - I get grumpy when I don't have regular down time at home - the hosue was a mess, emotionally I was a mess....So I am rejoicing in having a "dead" car. And after I finish this second cup of coffee I'm going to probably take a short nap since I didn't sleep overly well last night. (it's really not smart to allow yourself to sleep (doze) for 2 hours late in the day - especially when you know your depression meds have a tendency to mess up your sleep patterns)

Practicing

My photo for my third assignment is taken and developed. I'm sending that one in as a 4x6, one is going in as a 5x7 and the other one I'm rather undecided on size. I can go as large as 8x10 but will probably do most as 5x7's. Anyway...I learned today that one should always check the front of the camera lens to make sure that there is no filter that will change the picture into something you don't want. Actually wiser still would be to make sure I always remove any extra filters I put on the lens in the first place. I took a picture of a red barn and then the fields behind it. Just on a whim I took one using my Minolta film camera and another using my digital....the digital came out much more color saturated - looked much better. I was rather amazed at the difference. I'm certain that it was because I had my neutral density filter left on - today was an overcast grey day and the picture certainly showed that. Anyway....my 1 1/2 hours or so spent driving around taking pictures certainly was educational - good practice for me. And I enjoyed myself in spite of really wanting to stay home and warm taking a nap. I just have to finish up the "test" that comes at the end of the lesson then I can send all 3 assignments in and start on the next section.

On another note...my wedding veil is still inside the house - in the smaller box that was inside the huge box. I'm not sure exactly what to do with it at this point....I don't want to put it back in the shed just in the cardboard box - and it won't fit in the plastic bin I put the other stuff in.

Meltdown

Ok...I melted down tonight. In the process of helping Son2 look for TQD (tai quon do) info I found a box of wedding stuff - cards, unused invites, our unity candle, table decorations, my wedding veil....I brought that stuff inside to try to consolidate it into something smaller that was not a cardboard box. I was able to do that but by the time I had supper ready I was falling apart. I can only put it down to grief and going through that stuff. It makes me seriously question how I'm going to go through all the stuff to do those albums for the boys. And I doubt very much I could describe those emotions for anyone if I tried.

Assignments Not Finished

Ok....so it's Monday and I don't have my photography assignments completely ready to go in the mail yet. I have the enlargements made for the 1st two, and have taken the third. However those are not developed yet - I have to take the roll of film in and get it developed then an enlargement done of the picture. I also have to finish the paperwork that needs to go with all the pictures and include my quizzes. It was exciting to realize that in the last two months or so I'd already taken the first two pictures that I needed but disappointing to have to take the third. I still hope to and plan to get the paperwork done today. However it will likely be Wednesday or Thursday before I get the stuff in the mail.

I have spent time this morning on the phone with a pharmaceutical company trying to find out if I can possibly qualify to get my prescription meds free or at a highly reduced rate. What the dr. has me on right now is not the best for me I don't think. He's switching me to something that he gets samples from in the office. The problem is that if I take it in the morning I'm up at night but if I take it in the evening, while I sleep much better I struggle with alertness in the mornings. I would rather take it in the mornings - at a lower dose and not sleep as well then sleep well and have a challenging time waking up. So...I went through part of the application process over the phone - now I have to wait for the paperwork to come in the mail, fill it out, take it to the dr's office to have them fill out and write a 'script for, send it in and wait for them to decide if I'm accepted or not. It will take 3-4 weeks at least. I would really appreciate prayers that I'm accepted into this program. It still won't negate the need for insurance but it will help.

The other things I've spent time doing was folding laundry, trying to take a short nap, cleaning the kitchen and beginning to look into the possiblity of getting Son2 back into Tai Kwon Do training. Both boys were involved in that before we left OK - beginning the same month Mike died. Once we moved they were not willing to get into another school here. However this past weekend Son2 went and dug out all his old gear. He's requested to get back into training - realizing that he may have to start all over at the lowest belt level. So...I've got to call some schools, schedule some appointments to go visit and observe and then get him into classes. He will at that point need some sort of accident insurance at least - another step in the process. However since he's brought it up and requested it I feel like it's important to look into. It will have a couple of benefits that I can see right off the bat - the first is that hopefully he will feel less left out because he will begin to have his own activities. He will likely begin to make new friends - they have been in severe shortage since we moved here. Plus hopefully it will teach him self-control, confidence and add to his maturity.

Ok...enough rambling. I'm going to finish my coffee and get off the computer for awhile. My posts tend to be really long but it's a release to me to write - and I love the comments.

WhoooHoooo

WhoHooo.....I've got my school bus back! It's so much nicer to drive - I felt like I was tying on a comfortable, well-broken in pair of shoes when I got back in it this morning. On the one hand, that may sound like a crazy analogy but on "my" bus I know where all the controls are - I don't have to fumble to find them, I can reach everything easily and I know how the bus responds to my direction. As a result I'm a much more relaxed driver - able to handle and respond to my riders more easily. We saw 48 deer this morning - and that may be a low count as there were a couple of groups of a dozen or more deer in them.

On a different note, I have two of my assignments done for my photography course - need reprints for the second one and actually have to take pictures for the third one. I'm really rather hoping for a gorgeous sunset tonight - the third assignment is to take a scenic picture - or more technically "a beautiful outdoor vista". The object of this one is to achieve a feeling of distance. (The second was to get something close-up - and blur the background - the first was to express a sense of speed.) So far the three pictures have all been nature scenes - that's already my strong point. I don't do as well with people. Either way - to actually chose the photos and send them in for someone else to look at and critique is way out of my comfort zone. I'm abit scared that the instructor will hate them - that's why it's taken me so long to actually do any of the assignments.

Ok...enough rambling. I've got some emails to send and then need to do some picking up at least.

Projects

My last post seemed to end abruptly and didn't really go where I wanted it to go - probably because I ran out of time to type it (and if I save stuff as drafts I often lose it). However I did appreciate the feedback and encouragement I received as a result. We made it through the anniversary date - Son1 probably had the hardest time that day. I got to go to breakfast with a friend here and with work stayed busy the rest of the day. Son1 returned from his retreat that afternoon - completely exhausted and grieving. During the retreat the kids had to come up with skits to show what a peacekeeper does - he came up with the idea of using the picture of him and his dad that he'd taken along - getting it, sitting down to look at it and then have a couple of other peacekeepers (his age - they were peer leaders for the younger ones who were just coming into the program) come over and talk with him about it. I don't know what exactly was said but it certainly made an impression on one of the kids on my school bus who'd been at the same retreat - he told me about it that Friday afternoon almost as soon as he got on the bus. However I'm sure doing that so publically brought the pain back for him. Son2 never said anything at all about it - not sure at all if it's because he's still trying to bury the pain or he really didn't remember.

Anyway....my dear aunt - who reads my blog and chooses to comment privately in an email - suggested that I use this time alone (not that I'm truly alone) to focus on finishing projects that I'm working on - and reminded me to remember that God has a plan for me. That scripture from Jer. 29 has been one of my favorites for many years - I just haven't focused on it enough recently. As a result of that encouragement I am going to focus on my photography course that I signed up for almost 2 years ago now. I'm now down to having to finish 33 lessons in just over a year. My immediate goal for this is to get the first two assignments done and ready to mail by Monday. Additionally, I'm going to try to focus on getting a handle on my finances (a topic for another post), my home - I hate housework - would much rather be working outside on stuff or reading, stitching or anything other than cleaning! And my weight - since I gave up my Y membership I've put pounds back on. (depression doesn't help either). As far as that goes....I find if I make sure I brush my teeth immediately after I'm done eating I tend to snack less. And does jumping on the trampoline count as exercise?? Now that's it's been nice out Son2 wants someone to jump with and it's usually me! (I finally figured out last night that that's likely part of the reason my legs have been so sore the last couple of nights).

One final project is something that's essentially unstarted - I have albums to make for the boys about their dad. I've been collecting pictures of his childhood, family, etc since he died but right now all are still in a bin. I've got the pictures I want to put in the front of each album - professional portraits of each boy with his dad and the albums. Outside of the first page the next main section should be almost identical for each boy as it will include copies of his family tree, childhood pictures and hopefully recollections from family members. (as a whole, hubby's family never talks about him - it's like he really didn't exist). Then I guess the final section will include pictures of the boys with their dad. The project is unstarted because so far I haven't been able to face doing this alone. I would absolutely love to have someone come along beside me and work with me on it - even if they were working on their own project but with me - in the same house, room or whatever.

Ok...enough rambling - it's time to go work on scanning slides. That's another major project I'm working on - scanning slides for my Mom and Dad. This way they will be on something current as far as media is concerned. And hopefully we will be able to get them labelled with the "who, what, when, where" information.

Looking Back

It seems appropriate today - on the 4th anniversary of my husband's death - to look at what I've been studying on Lot's wife. (I've been working my way through a book on the Women of the Bible). The first part of this is quoted from the book, the rest is my thoughts and hopefully insights.

Her Character: She was a prosperous woman who may have been more attached to the good life than was good for her. Though there is no indication she participated in the sin of Sodom, her story implies she had learned to tolerate it and that her heart had become divided as a result.

Her Tragedy: That her heart's choice led to judgement rather than mercy, and that she ultimately refused God's attempts to save her.

Key Scriptures: Gen. 18:16-19:29; Luke 17:28-33

"Lot's wife had only hours to live, though she never suspected it.......She must have welcomed the strangers (that her husband Lot brought home from the city gate) warmly for hospitality was a sacred trust in the ancient world.....She would have been aware of what when on at night when the men of the city came to the door....

Why did she turn, despite the angel's clear warning? Was her heart still attached to everything she left behind in the city - a life of comfort, ease and pleasure? Did she still have family trapped in the city?

The story of Lot's wife is a sad one isn't it? She is remembered less for who she was - wife, mother, daughter, sister - than for what she became - a pillar of salt?"

One of the major things that stood out to me was how comfortable Lot must have been to invite strangers that he had just met in the city gate to his home. Keeping in mind that the culture encouraged hospitality his wife must still have kept a very open, warm, welcoming open door - where extras to stay the night or for a meal didn't faze her at all. I confess that I'm certainly not that way - I would be frazzled if I had unexpected company - rushing around cleaning, preparing a meal, trying to make sure everything was "perfect" for company. I long to have a home that is welcoming like that but I'm nowhere near there currently.

The other way major thing is the question - Why did Lot's wife look back? What could she possibly have been thinking? Did she know that they had been entertaining angels? I picture them as tall handsome men - strong - the impression of strength comes from their ability to pull Lot back into the home and to take Lot, his wife and daughters by the hand and hurry them out of the city. In her situation what would my reaction have been? Would I have looked back - I certainly have the curiosity.

Then trying to apply that to myself today.....am I wrong to look back at my marriage and to grieve? Am I living too much in the past? How can I learn from the mistakes I made in our marriage, grow and move on? Will the pain ever end or decrease? Am I meant to continue alone - I know htat God is with me always but I mean alone without a teammate here on earth? What do I still have to learn?

Signs of Spring

Signs of spring - warming temperatures, snow melting, deer coming out in larger groups, sunshine, allergy induced cold-like symptoms and most importantly in my book - little shoots of bulbs poking through the snow. I went out yesterday looking - daffodils are beginning to come up. I couldn't find hyacinth or crocus yet but am sure they will come. Today temps are in the 40's and snow is definitely melting off. I'm thankful for a time of new beginnings - the ones outside and the ones I've experienced.

Today

Today did not turn out the way I expected at all. Emotionally I was somewhat better than I was last night - but still not good. Son1 left today for the next two days - at his retreat through school. It was really cool to have him come up to me before he left while the buses were loading and give me a k*** and get one from me. At his age that's not something expected or typical. Son2 is already missing him - saying he's bored. I'm glad that we have grief group tomorrow night. It was nice to be able to be home most of the evening tonight though.

Probably the biggest stress/frustration from today is that I had a parent of a child on my bus route call and completely chew me out verbally. Long story short - I had told my students to turn off any portable music devices as we were at a blind RR crossing. This student informed me "that's as quiet as mine will go" so I repeated my instructions to turn it off. He started cussing, I had him move....he continued cussing after he moved. He was going to get a conduct report for the cussing and the noise at the RR tracks. Apparently he went home and called dad who called the school to get my #. Then dad called me - said there's no way I could have heard his son's music, that it was my fault the son started cussing because I "made him angry enough to cuss - he's not like that" and then said I "needed to learn to get along with son". I ended up telling the dad that I was finished discussing this and hanging up on him. By that time I was pretty upset myself. Any other misbehavior this week likely would have gotten off with little to no action - simply because I didn't want the fact that I'm grieving extra to influence my decisions. However because this incident occurred at a RR crossing the son endangered the entire busload of students - that simply cannot be ignored. There's a possiblity that I'm going to have to say no personal music players - whether that be a phone, cd player or anything else involving headphones simply because this is becoming such an issue. I already absolutely don't allow cell phones to be used on the bus (which as it turned out this student was listening to music on - I didn't realize that at first). So...I have paperwork to fill out - I've already written this all down on regular paper - that I will then take into the office tomorrow morning to hopefully get the situation dealt with. I talked to another driver this afternoon - she said that everyone is having issues right now - all need a break.

On a different note....the other afternoon Son1 got on the bus and said "Mom I've lost my work ethic." I was like "what?" He explained that he was finding it hard to concentrate and focus on stuff. I was relieved to realize that it wasn't his work ethic that was at issue - it was simply the fact that he was distracted and grieving the loss of his dad this week - and very happy to reassure him that he hadn't lost his "work ethic". (I had to smile at his description though.) This afternoon I bumped into his math teacher at the school - she commented that she'd noticed that he wasn't himself - more easily frustrated, distracted, dreamy. I'm rather glad that she was able to validate that he was struggling a bit this week - though at the same time I hate for that to happen. One wonders when and if the grief will become less.

Rambling

Ok...I'm exhausted today - not sure why. However emotionally I'm ok....I went out to see my girlfriend with the broken ankle this morning then came home and fell asleep. I actually feel abit better - coffee and lunch will help tremendously. I won't accomplish much around the house today though - guess that was yesterday.

My car is properly fixed (finally!) and so much more pleasant to drive. When it gets a little warmer I think I'm going to try to get the inside cleaned out and shined up - just to go with the new parts. Last night's meeting went well overall - I suspect that only about half the incoming high school freshman showed up - it didn't seem to be as big a group as I expected. The renovations at the high school aren't finished yet but it will be nice when they are done. And I was impressed with the principal - the little I've seen of him so far anyway. It's really hard for me to imagine Son1 has a high school freshman but it's rapidly approaching. Son2, who had to come due to the time of the meeting, was extremely wound up - I could tell he was absolutely exhausted and afraid to be still. I will leave him home tonight as this evening's meeting is going to be shorter and is scheduled earlier.

Enough rambling for the moment - I want to write about Lot's wife but need t odo so more study first. I also want to put together a bracelet that's been "percolating" in the back of my mind but doubt I'll have to time to do so before time to head to work. We are supposed to get a couple of inches of snow overnight - and have a teacher improvement delay for in the morning. I don't care for those morning delays as they make it harder for me to figure out start times. However I'm kind of looking forward to being able to sleep in an hour anyway.

Time

Well I skipped Bible study tonight for a number of reasons not least of which is that I'm fighting a headache. I won't be able to see to stitch at all this evening I don't think. May scrap some though. The house is quiet as I got a ride for the boys - Son1 is enjoying participating in the study. The couple who picked them up for me (who's sons I've watched for part of this weekend and part of last weekend) pushed abit for me to go - wondered if it was a good thing for me to have time alone where I could potentially brood and get more depressed. What he doesn't understand is that if I don't have regular time alone - where I don't have to be on the go, working or otherwise busy things just overwhelm me that much more - especially if the house is a mess to start with. This week is shaping up to be extremely excessively busy - I expect to be gone most of hte day tomorrow and Tuesday. Wednesday Son1 leaves on a retreat for school - I don't have stuff scheduled during the day that I know of - that day or Thursday. Thursday evening Son2 and I will be out at our Grief group - that's a good thing. Friday...I don't know what's on the schedule except that Son1 will be home again - and that it will be 4 years since my husband died. I actually have a vague feeling that I will have something going on that night but no idea what. On the one hand, it seems like it's got to be longer than 4 years since he was gone. On the other hand, it almost seems like just last month. I still haven't been able to start albums for the boys about their dad - I would love to have someone come beside me and help with that. Son1 will be starting high school next year - his dad would be proud of him I think. Alright...any other thoughts I had to write about are gone.

24 Hours

It's amazing what a difference 24 hours can make weather-wise. Yesterday morning during bus route we had severe thunderstorms - heavy rain, thunder, lightening...the whole 9 yards. This morning - snow, white-out conditions in areas, very slick roads - I estimate that I had trouble stopping at least 50% of my stops - and I was driving very slow; accidents.....The change in behavior of my students was equally dramatic. Yesterday morning they were loud, bouncing in their seats, LOUD.....this morning it was very very quiet on the bus. Most of the students were able to feel the bus sliding and they seemed to understand how important it was for me to be able to concentrate. I'm sure less stressed this morning than I was yesterday morning though I'm still exhausted and struggling with depression.

I have cancelled the car repair work I had scheduled for this morning - rescheduled it for Monday morning. I'm also going to cancel going to my girlfriend's house - it's going to be disappointing for both of us. However I've heard of too many accidents on the roads - and the driveway could be a challenge. Plus if it keeps snowing....there's the extremely slim possibility that they will close school early.