Random Notes

Ok...it's late again tonight...boys are not in bed yet but will be soon. I'm exhausted - my phone started ringing about 7:00 am this morning with calls to go pick up the father of the Amish baby I took to the hospital yesterday. Baby's bilurbin #'s had dropped some this morning but they are still too high for him to go home. Please pray that the #'s go down and stay down - also for the parents as this is very stressful for them. They have 4 other little ones at home.

Saturday was Pete's funeral - it was beautiful and very "large" for lack of a better term. The funeral home was packed - they had to keep bringing in chairs. I went by myself - Son2 is not at the age where he can handle a funeral yet. Son1 probably could have handled it but I left him home with L and family. The sheer volume of those who came was rather overwhelming especially since I was alone. However I'm really glad I went - and I'm equally glad I went to the graveside service. The procession for that had to be at least a mile long if not longer - I very much doubt I'd personally seen one that long before. (I don't share that to be irreverent - it's just something that stood out to me) Pete was well loved and respected. Through her life I'm motivated to work on some areas in my life that need it.

Time to head to bed. More another time. Oh yes...I did call the doctor today - talked to one of his nurses that knows me and was able to get something for the poison ivy prescribed without having to go in. That's a huge praise - I didn't have time today nor energy.

Pete

My friend Pete (her nickname) passed away this afternoon leaving behind a young son - a year younger than my Son2, 2 grown children, some grandchildren and her husband in addition to numerous other family members. I was at her home for a brief time just before she died. She had been fighting cancer since just before I got to know her and had just recently gone on hospice care. I'm grieving. She left a husband who loved her deeply and a young son. She fought so hard - it seemed like she was doing better 6 weeks ago. I know that she is in heaven - healed perfectly - free from pain and that we will see her again. The hurt is still there - for myself and more importantly for her family.

Torn

Ok....so now I'm really torn. Son1 came to the bus this afternoon and said "go ahead and come to the meet" - after earlier saying he really didn't care if we came or not. I would have loved to drop everything and go - or at least be able to go immediately after my bus route. However Son2 - who had issues with overheating yesterday - and who does not cope well with sudden changes in plans - insisted it's too hot to go. So thankfully I was able to get a message to Son1 that we would not be there so at least we weren't "no-shows" without any message. However I'm torn - I really enjoy going to track meets and getting to cheer the team - and my son on. However this one was an hour drive away so we would have missed part of the meet at least - as I wasn't even able to leave to go until 4:30. And with my fatigue already from yesterday, gas prices being as high as they are and end of school year expenses...part of me says it's better to stay home. Plus that means - that in spite of it being hot - I can cook a meal rather than us having to eat out. But it breaks my heart to not be able to go see him run.

Meltdown

Ok...I melted down tonight. In the process of helping Son2 look for TQD (tai quon do) info I found a box of wedding stuff - cards, unused invites, our unity candle, table decorations, my wedding veil....I brought that stuff inside to try to consolidate it into something smaller that was not a cardboard box. I was able to do that but by the time I had supper ready I was falling apart. I can only put it down to grief and going through that stuff. It makes me seriously question how I'm going to go through all the stuff to do those albums for the boys. And I doubt very much I could describe those emotions for anyone if I tried.

Projects

My last post seemed to end abruptly and didn't really go where I wanted it to go - probably because I ran out of time to type it (and if I save stuff as drafts I often lose it). However I did appreciate the feedback and encouragement I received as a result. We made it through the anniversary date - Son1 probably had the hardest time that day. I got to go to breakfast with a friend here and with work stayed busy the rest of the day. Son1 returned from his retreat that afternoon - completely exhausted and grieving. During the retreat the kids had to come up with skits to show what a peacekeeper does - he came up with the idea of using the picture of him and his dad that he'd taken along - getting it, sitting down to look at it and then have a couple of other peacekeepers (his age - they were peer leaders for the younger ones who were just coming into the program) come over and talk with him about it. I don't know what exactly was said but it certainly made an impression on one of the kids on my school bus who'd been at the same retreat - he told me about it that Friday afternoon almost as soon as he got on the bus. However I'm sure doing that so publically brought the pain back for him. Son2 never said anything at all about it - not sure at all if it's because he's still trying to bury the pain or he really didn't remember.

Anyway....my dear aunt - who reads my blog and chooses to comment privately in an email - suggested that I use this time alone (not that I'm truly alone) to focus on finishing projects that I'm working on - and reminded me to remember that God has a plan for me. That scripture from Jer. 29 has been one of my favorites for many years - I just haven't focused on it enough recently. As a result of that encouragement I am going to focus on my photography course that I signed up for almost 2 years ago now. I'm now down to having to finish 33 lessons in just over a year. My immediate goal for this is to get the first two assignments done and ready to mail by Monday. Additionally, I'm going to try to focus on getting a handle on my finances (a topic for another post), my home - I hate housework - would much rather be working outside on stuff or reading, stitching or anything other than cleaning! And my weight - since I gave up my Y membership I've put pounds back on. (depression doesn't help either). As far as that goes....I find if I make sure I brush my teeth immediately after I'm done eating I tend to snack less. And does jumping on the trampoline count as exercise?? Now that's it's been nice out Son2 wants someone to jump with and it's usually me! (I finally figured out last night that that's likely part of the reason my legs have been so sore the last couple of nights).

One final project is something that's essentially unstarted - I have albums to make for the boys about their dad. I've been collecting pictures of his childhood, family, etc since he died but right now all are still in a bin. I've got the pictures I want to put in the front of each album - professional portraits of each boy with his dad and the albums. Outside of the first page the next main section should be almost identical for each boy as it will include copies of his family tree, childhood pictures and hopefully recollections from family members. (as a whole, hubby's family never talks about him - it's like he really didn't exist). Then I guess the final section will include pictures of the boys with their dad. The project is unstarted because so far I haven't been able to face doing this alone. I would absolutely love to have someone come along beside me and work with me on it - even if they were working on their own project but with me - in the same house, room or whatever.

Ok...enough rambling - it's time to go work on scanning slides. That's another major project I'm working on - scanning slides for my Mom and Dad. This way they will be on something current as far as media is concerned. And hopefully we will be able to get them labelled with the "who, what, when, where" information.

Today

Today did not turn out the way I expected at all. Emotionally I was somewhat better than I was last night - but still not good. Son1 left today for the next two days - at his retreat through school. It was really cool to have him come up to me before he left while the buses were loading and give me a k*** and get one from me. At his age that's not something expected or typical. Son2 is already missing him - saying he's bored. I'm glad that we have grief group tomorrow night. It was nice to be able to be home most of the evening tonight though.

Probably the biggest stress/frustration from today is that I had a parent of a child on my bus route call and completely chew me out verbally. Long story short - I had told my students to turn off any portable music devices as we were at a blind RR crossing. This student informed me "that's as quiet as mine will go" so I repeated my instructions to turn it off. He started cussing, I had him move....he continued cussing after he moved. He was going to get a conduct report for the cussing and the noise at the RR tracks. Apparently he went home and called dad who called the school to get my #. Then dad called me - said there's no way I could have heard his son's music, that it was my fault the son started cussing because I "made him angry enough to cuss - he's not like that" and then said I "needed to learn to get along with son". I ended up telling the dad that I was finished discussing this and hanging up on him. By that time I was pretty upset myself. Any other misbehavior this week likely would have gotten off with little to no action - simply because I didn't want the fact that I'm grieving extra to influence my decisions. However because this incident occurred at a RR crossing the son endangered the entire busload of students - that simply cannot be ignored. There's a possiblity that I'm going to have to say no personal music players - whether that be a phone, cd player or anything else involving headphones simply because this is becoming such an issue. I already absolutely don't allow cell phones to be used on the bus (which as it turned out this student was listening to music on - I didn't realize that at first). So...I have paperwork to fill out - I've already written this all down on regular paper - that I will then take into the office tomorrow morning to hopefully get the situation dealt with. I talked to another driver this afternoon - she said that everyone is having issues right now - all need a break.

On a different note....the other afternoon Son1 got on the bus and said "Mom I've lost my work ethic." I was like "what?" He explained that he was finding it hard to concentrate and focus on stuff. I was relieved to realize that it wasn't his work ethic that was at issue - it was simply the fact that he was distracted and grieving the loss of his dad this week - and very happy to reassure him that he hadn't lost his "work ethic". (I had to smile at his description though.) This afternoon I bumped into his math teacher at the school - she commented that she'd noticed that he wasn't himself - more easily frustrated, distracted, dreamy. I'm rather glad that she was able to validate that he was struggling a bit this week - though at the same time I hate for that to happen. One wonders when and if the grief will become less.

New Insight

Last night on the way to Bible study I realized that almost 4 years past Mike's death I'm finally beginning ot do the real work of grieving. It's not that I didn't accept it when it happened - I certainly didn't expect to experience the times when I expected him to come walking through the door (when it had been months since he'd walked anywhere, let alone gone anywhere alone) or the times I expected it to be him when the phone rang. But I think I did accept that he was gone. But I apparently denied/ignored the pain of that loss. I tended to try to cover it up by shopping whether I needed whatever I purchased or not. And it wasn't just for me - I would shop for the boys also - would get the things they wanted often whether I should have spent the money or not. Now I'm in a position where I simply can't do that - due to a variety of reasons - not least being my own health issues from the last year. It's been tough - I want desparately to be able to go shopping - to fill the freezer, fridge and cupboards with groceries, to be able to wear clothes that don't have worn spots in them and that fit, to get the books I want to read (and own).....but can't right now. On the one hand it's been good for me - both to re-evaluate what we truly need and to help to eliminate the clutter in our home. I'm much more able to walk into a store now and leave without actually purchasing anything. On the other hand, it's frustrating to have film to be developed or pictures that need printed and not be able to do it or not to be able to just go get something because it would make life easier. Anyway... this has forced me to realize that some of my shopping has been to deny the pain of losing my husband, my team-mate.....Shopping was not something that I used to do much of. However he was raised having the ability to get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. That rubbed off on me during the early years of our marriage - it was frustrating to me at times as it got us in trouble financially and it's something I vowed I would not allow to happen to my boys. Yet now that he's gone it's something I've done.

Boy this is a rambling post - and likely won't make much sense. But it's real - something major I'm dealing with right now. A major goal for this year is to make headway on getting control of my finances and along with that apparently is realizing that I've used shopping as a way to avoid dealing with grief. I don't know where I will end up going with this but....anyway. Son2 is now waiting on his turn on the computer so I'd better close for now.