New Insight

Last night on the way to Bible study I realized that almost 4 years past Mike's death I'm finally beginning ot do the real work of grieving. It's not that I didn't accept it when it happened - I certainly didn't expect to experience the times when I expected him to come walking through the door (when it had been months since he'd walked anywhere, let alone gone anywhere alone) or the times I expected it to be him when the phone rang. But I think I did accept that he was gone. But I apparently denied/ignored the pain of that loss. I tended to try to cover it up by shopping whether I needed whatever I purchased or not. And it wasn't just for me - I would shop for the boys also - would get the things they wanted often whether I should have spent the money or not. Now I'm in a position where I simply can't do that - due to a variety of reasons - not least being my own health issues from the last year. It's been tough - I want desparately to be able to go shopping - to fill the freezer, fridge and cupboards with groceries, to be able to wear clothes that don't have worn spots in them and that fit, to get the books I want to read (and own).....but can't right now. On the one hand it's been good for me - both to re-evaluate what we truly need and to help to eliminate the clutter in our home. I'm much more able to walk into a store now and leave without actually purchasing anything. On the other hand, it's frustrating to have film to be developed or pictures that need printed and not be able to do it or not to be able to just go get something because it would make life easier. Anyway... this has forced me to realize that some of my shopping has been to deny the pain of losing my husband, my team-mate.....Shopping was not something that I used to do much of. However he was raised having the ability to get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. That rubbed off on me during the early years of our marriage - it was frustrating to me at times as it got us in trouble financially and it's something I vowed I would not allow to happen to my boys. Yet now that he's gone it's something I've done.

Boy this is a rambling post - and likely won't make much sense. But it's real - something major I'm dealing with right now. A major goal for this year is to make headway on getting control of my finances and along with that apparently is realizing that I've used shopping as a way to avoid dealing with grief. I don't know where I will end up going with this but....anyway. Son2 is now waiting on his turn on the computer so I'd better close for now.