Unmet Expectations

Tonight I sit here recovering from a bout of tears - over unmet expectations. I'm struggling with my past insecurities and questioning again the wisdom of making such a major move as moving from OK to IN. After all we still don't have any family here in IN. Of course - if we still lived in OK we would see my family much more rarely adn likely not see Mike's family at all. However I would still have a regular steady job, health insurance for myself and the boys. And I would still have friends that showed up to events involving the boys and were supportive. My darling Son 1 said that he couldn't imagine still living in OK - quite a compliment coming from someone who so deparately didn't want to move - let alone move this far away.

I expected - when we moved - that we would have been able to get into a church that I could make friends at without it taking two years. I expected that we would have regular times together with S & C and their family - and that C would be willing to mentor the boys. I expected that when I needed help the help would be there - somewhat willingly. I didnt' expect to feel like I was an imposition when I needed help getting a vehicle from one place to another - as it's impossible to drive two vehicles at once. Or when I needed someone to talk to. I expected that there would be people willing to attend the boys' events and to mentor them to be godly Christian men.

I question the wisdom of this move - yet I think back to the fact that I literally walked into a bus route rather than having to sub. I think back and realize that long before S found this house I had seen the "for sale" sign very late one night when we were coming for a visit - in the dark. I think back on how fast my house in OK sold even being in poor shape. And I realize that God's hand was in those details. So He knows the situation now - He knows how much I hurt inside over the job switch, over the loneliness and not fitting in; I have to believe that He still has a plan and that He is still in control. But the loneliness is HUGE and the responsiblity of being a single parent is also huge.